


You Gotta Party Hearty

by knightofsuperior



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Team Four Star - Fandom
Genre: Explicit Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-05-23 05:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightofsuperior/pseuds/knightofsuperior
Summary: Kariya Matou doesn't summon his expected Berserker in the Fourth Holy Grail War.Instead, he gets a wild dog without a leash, sporting an Andrew W.K. mixtape.





	1. For Future Time's Sake

Zouken Matou was...displeased, to say the least.

He really didn’t need to be so upset, but…

The Matou patriarch expected Kariya, as lapsed as he was in any magical education or skills, to be at least capable of summoning a Berserker correctly. It was a mindless tool, meant only for destruction and mayhem through brute strength alone.

He didn’t expect to see a dandy fellow who looked like he walked straight out of the Spanish Inquisition (a red longcoat, a wide brimmed hat, and dark slacks), wielding dual pistols and sporting some hideously gaudy sunglasses.

Kariya seemed just as confused, looking the newcomer up and down as one would a mistaken order from a department store.

Pathetic.

“Who on Earth,” Zouken muttered, his sickly rasp echoing through the room, “Might you be?”

“What kind of a welcome is that, old man?” the Servant asked. “I mean, seriously. No, “Hi Berserker, welcome to Japan, how was the trip? Need anything? Vodka, scotch, vodscotch?” Seems a little uncordial if you ask me.”

“S-so,” Kariya wheezed, clutching face as worms wriggled frantically back and forth, “You are Berserker, then?”

Berserker grimaced, glancing between Kariya and Zouken. “Jesus Christ, did I stumble into Asthmatics Anonymous here? Maybe you should hold your summoning rituals out in, I don’t know, a park, a baseball stadium…” He looked around the room, raising an eyebrow. “But hey, murder basement’s fine too. Bit kinky if you ask me, but I’m the Servant here. ...wait, is this whole thing just kink?” He let out a salacious growl. “I mean, I wouldn’t complain, but-”

“Answer the question, Servant.” Zouken glared at Berserker, his blackened eyes attempting to pierce strike fear into the creature’s heart.

“Sheesh, fine. Suck out all the fun. It’s like I never left London.” Berserker cleared his throat, his voice going into a flat, dull monotone. “I am the Servant Berserker, here to heed your call for the...fifth?”

“Fourth,” Zouken grumbled.

“Fourth Holy Grail War. Could have sworn we were on five,” Berserker grumbled. “I ask of thee, are you my Master?”

“Yes,” Kariya replied, coughing into his hand. “I am.”

“Finally,” Zouken sighed. “It is a little...unorthodox to receive such a talkative Berserker, but I take it you were summoned under this class for a reason.”

“Hey, I’d have been fine as Archer too. Lancer might have been a bit too on the nose,” Berserker shrugged.

“A multifaceted Servant...always a helpful tool,” Zouken mused. “Now then, Kariya, I expect you to not disappoint me again. Win this War, and you will have what you desire.” The old man slunk back into the shadows, the sounds of crawling critters echoing through the room. Kariya fell to his knees, his exhaustion and pain kicking in as the crest worms continued to swim through his very form.

“...so, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, Master,” Berserker began, “But...how do I put this...isn’t it time to put the old geezer out to pasture? Or even an old folks home? I’m sure you have those in Japan.”

Kariya barked out a laugh, as best he could with what little breath he could draw. “If only. There’s no place in the world that could contain malice like that. Besides, he’s the head of the family. To cross him…” He scowled, glaring down at the floor. “...is a fool’s errand. I should know.”

“...so is that a no, or…?”

“That’s a no.”

“Pity. Welp,” Berserker stretched his arms, “Time to get to work.”

“Work?” Kariya carefully lifted himself up off of the ground, holding one of his arms as it limped weakly by his side. “What do you mean work?”

“You know. Bang. Ow. “Oh God, please no, I have a wife and child.” “That’s a lie, you’re divorced, impotent, and undead, you sad son of a bitch.” “Fuck you!” “No, fuck you!” Bang again. Something explodes. Lots of screaming. I say a witty one-liner.” Berserker twirled his guns as he spoke, walking towards the room’s exit. “That kind of work. We’re in a war, aren’t we?”

Kariya frowned at how casually his Servant described the act of murder, but...wasn’t that what he was in this damned conflict for? To slaughter all those in the way of victory?

In the way of Sakura’s safety?

His eyes steeled. 

Berserker grinned. “See? You’re ready too. Oh, one quick question. Two actually.”

“Yes?”

“1. Where do you expect the other Masters and Servants to show up once this war really gets going?”

Kariya put a hand on his chin. There weren’t very many spots in Fuyuki for a clandestine war to occur, not with the rapid development the latter half of the century provided for the city. There were some abandoned construction spots, waiting on new landowners. There was the open park, more useful at night than day. But there was also…

“...the harbor. It’s practically dead after the sun sets.”

Berserker’s eyes widened at this. “Wait, wait, there’s a harbor here? Ok, sub-question: how easy would it be to…” He waved his guns as if to use them as physical air quotes. “Requisition a vessel there?”

Kariya raised an eyebrow. “...given that we have enough time in advance of a fight, you could easily get something, I suppose. Do you have a Noble Phantasm that requires a boat?”

“Nah, it’s more for old time’s sake. Wait, what year is it?”

“1994.”

“Well, future time’s sake, then. Okay, second question-”

Fourth, Kariya thought with the briefest hint of amusement. “Yes?”

Berserker reached into his coat. He drew out a small cassette tape with a wide grin. “2. How much money do we have?”

Kariya felt a chill go up his spine.

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER

* * *

“You’re certain that this is a good idea, Berserker?”

“Look, Master,” Berserker replied, “Which one of us is the Heroic Spirit here?”

“Which one of us controls your prana flow?” Kariya sniped back, his face contorted in a pained grimace.

“Touche.” Berserker admitted. “Trust me. This will be great.”

Kariya scanned the deck of his newly acquired ship (christened the S.S. Alexander Anderson, which Berserker claimed was the result of “a personal thing”). It was littered with bits and pieces of technology (speakers being the most prominent, with at least five across the ship) and tangled wires everywhere. The boat floated in the middle of the water, distant enough to not draw attention, but close enough to see the harbor with the help of some binoculars that Berserker had procured. Fog had set into the area, in just the most convenient possible location-not close enough to obscure their vision, but just the right amount to obscure that of any onlookers. It was foolproof.

And yet, this had the makings of a terrible mistake written all over it.

Frankly, it wouldn’t have been the first Kariya made as of late.

“I thought the point of this war was to be concealed,” Kariya stressed. “I’m still worried someone’s going to find all your purchases a tad...suspicious, to say the least, to both Zouken and the police.”

“Well, shit, if they’re suspicious about that, I’d hate for them find out about the Blackbird.”

Kariya blinked. “...the what?”

“All in due time, Master. How’re things looking over there?”

Kariya raised his binoculars again, glancing out at the harbor. “It looks like Saber and Lancer are still at it.”

Berserker let out a chuckle.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“...well, it looks like at least one spear managed to penetrate whatever wall she-”

Berserker’s chuckle grew at this.

“...” Kariya frowned, having put two and two together. “...they’re still fighting, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Thanks, Master.”

The air was still for a moment.

“...see,” Berserker said, “It’s funny cause it sounds like they’re-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“I was going to say that it sounded like they were having a fierce battle.”

“...oh.”

“Also like they were fucking.”

“God dammit-”

A crack of thunder ripped through the air, signalling the arrival of a new challenger. Rider’s chariot soared through the air, interrupting Saber and Lancer’s battle. Berserker appeared next to Kariya as if a bolt from the blue, holding what appeared to be a boombox in his hands. He plugged the boombox into one of the myriad wires, grinning all the while.

“Alright, it’s time. You go set the boat to autopilot. I’ve got last-minute prep to work on.”

“...what exactly are you planning to do?” Kariya finally asked, hoping that Berserker would answer the question after days of dodging it beyond vague jokes or quips.

This was likely one of those quips, but Berserker delivered it with the utmost sincerity and seriousness.

“We’re about to have a little concert.”

* * *

 

“Come, my fellow warriors!” Rider boomed, his arms spread out like he was preparing to sweep Saber and Lancer into his chariot by force if he had to. “Join me, and we can conquer this brave new world!”

“I refuse,” Saber replied. “I have a need for the Holy Grail, and I cannot compromise that under any circumstances.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decline as well,” Lancer began. “I-”

Whatever speech he had been preparing died in his mouth. “...do...any of you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Rider’s Master, Waver Velvet, asked. “I’m not hearing anything.”

“No,” Saber replied, maintaining a tight grip on her hidden weapon. “It sounds like…a song?”

It was like no song that any Servant (let alone Master) had heard before. If anything, it was similar to the synthesized tracks that Waver had once heard from a radio station in London (the first and last time he did so; that could barely be classified as music). One thing was certain-it was getting louder. On top of that, if Waver’s eyes weren’t deceiving him, something appeared to be emerging from fog that enveloped the harbor. A very large, very imposing...

“...is that a yacht?!”

At this, a loud crash of drums erupted from within the fog, the yacht bursting through at ludicrous speed. The sound of guitars, drums, and wailing keyboards nearly deafened all at the harbor. This included a shout from the distance, likely Lancer’s Master, who summed up the feelings of all in attendance succinctly: “What in God’s name is that racket?!”

**_“This is your time to pay! This is your judgement day!”_ **

“Rider,” Waver yelled, holding his ears, “That has to be a Servant! No one else would be able to find us here!”

_**“We made a sacrifice, and now we’ve come to take your life!”** _

“Agreed, boy,” Rider roared over the din, bobbing his head to the tune. “I have to say, music of the modern era is quite catchy!”

“RIDER!”

**_“We shoot without a gun! We take on anyone!”_ **

“Master, are you alright?” Lancer shouted over his shoulder, gritting his teeth as the thumping tune came closer and closer along with the boat that was blasting it.

“Focus on the battle at hand, Lancer, and don’t draw attention to me!” The voice of his Master snapped, clearly not realizing the irony in his statement. 

**_“It’s really nothing new-”_ **

Kiritsugu Emiya, oddly enough, seemed to find at least some agreement in Rider’s sentiments. It wasn’t often that a song came along that provided him both the perfect encapsulation of his career…

**_“-it’s just a thing we like to do!”_ **

And the perfect cover to take a shot at a certain Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald. He trained his gun, ready to fire, when-

“Look,” his partner Maiya interrupted, gesturing towards the open sea.

**_“You’d better get ready to die (get ready to die)!”_ **

Kiritsugu quickly realized that a more pressing target, one shrouded in shadow, was making its way across the deck of the oncoming ship. _Saber,_ Kiritsugu instructed, _focus on this new Servant. Lancer can wait._

_You didn’t have to tell me,_ Saber groused. _This foolishness will come to an end._

**_“You’d better get ready to kill (get ready to kill)!”_ **

At this, the mysterious figure leapt off of the ship, soaring high into the moonlit sky. He flipped in the air, his coattails flapping all the while, as he aimed for his target: the perfect spot between Saber and Lancer.

**_“You’d better get ready to run-”_ **

It’s the little things, Berserker thought, as he landed feet-first with a loud, echoing thud on the harbor pavement.

**_“-cause here we go!”_ **

Suddenly, the music cut out, leaving the harbor in an eerie silence.

One that was quickly broken.

“Well, well, well…” Berserker raised his arms, aiming his guns directly at Saber and Lancer. “What have we here? An Irishman fighting against a Briton? I didn’t realize it was the World Cup already!”

“...what?” Saber and Lancer asked simultaneously.

Berserker turned his head to face Rider. “And look, we have the second-most-famous Alexander with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Wait, is it Alexander or Iskandar?” His gaze shifted to Waver. “Maybe the bookworm here can check it out on Yahoo.” A guttural growl escaped the gunman at that. “Eugh. Can’t even make a Bing joke-”

Berserker fell silent as an invisible sword and a lance were suddenly thrust at his face, their wielders rushing him at once. Leaping up and out of the way just in time, Berserker landed on top of the crossed weapons like a graceful gymnast. “Wow, there’s about twenty sex jokes I can make right here, but for the life of me I just can’t pick which one’s the best.”

Waver could almost swear he heard someone scream in frustration from the boat, but his attention was focused on the scene in front of him too much to really bother thinking deeply on it.

“Who are you?” Rider asked, leaning over the side of his chariot to get a closer look at Berserker. He scowled as he spotted the man’s wide, toothy smile, along with his pale complexion. “...what are you?”

“Well, haven’t I just been a piss-poor guest! Allow me to introduce myself.” With a mighty leap, Berserker flung himself a couple feet back, just at the edge of the harbor. “I’m the Berserker of this war, to answer the who. As to the what...” Berserker crossed his guns, framing his face beneath them as his sunglasses rose up further on his face. He bared his teeth as he spoke, showing two sharp and pointed fangs. “I’m a fuck-mothering vampire.

“And I’m here to have a party.”


	2. Priorities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A battle is almost waged, but circumstance gets in the way.

A vampire.

A blood-sucking, ghoul creating, pants-wettingly terrifying vampire.

This wasn’t good.

Well, it wasn’t before, what with Rider deciding to go and advertise himself to the other parties in the War.

But this was just plain, flat, good-old-fashioned bad.

Waver backed up as far as he could in Rider’s chariot, and even the man’s steeds seemed startled by the revelation. Rider, for his part, appeared more bemused than anything else. “Really, now? I can’t think of many vampires in the Throne of Heroes, save one...would you happen to be-”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Berserker interrupted, wagging one of his fingers (the middle one, Saber noted with disgust) in response. “You can’t just say who I am, it ruins half the fun!”

“You literally just said his name a minute ago,” Lancer argued, his spears aimed squarely at Berserker’s chest.

“Well, yeah, but he shouted it to the heavens! He wants to put a target on his back,” Berserker shrugged, twirling one of his guns for effect, “Or his face, or any other part of his admittedly rugged form, that’s on him.”

“That begs the question, then-how did you know of where we hailed from, Berserker?” Saber asked, gaze narrowed. “I doubt you’re the type for research, unless it involves showboating.”

“Well, gee, I wonder,” Berserker replied, strolling back towards Saber and Lancer. “How could I ever tell where the knight with the overgrown pool noodle and the knight with the multicolor rave sticks came from, especially when they talk in the thickest possible accents despite each and every one of us talking in goddamned Japanese?” The two kept their weapons drawn as he walked in between and past the two. “It’s a fucking mystery, that’s for sure.”

“I don’t quite like your tone,” Lancer grumbled.

“I don’t quite like him, period,” Saber added through gritted teeth.

“Really? I guess you can put that on your shit list with “sleeves” and “not sticking your dick in crazy" respectively, I suppose.” Berserker leaned his head down, his bright red hat and golden shades obscuring all but his manic grin. “Though frankly, one’s a bit more of a problem than the other. Ain’t that right, Saber?” he asked, clearly relishing in the horrified stare he received in return.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” a new voice piped up. Berserker’s gaze shifted to his right. A woman, decked out in nothing but white furs, a big poofy hat, and the reddest eyes he’d ever seen scowled at him. “How dare you insult her like that!”

“Master,” Saber began, attempting to regain her composure, “Please back away from him! He’s incredibly dangerous!”

“I’m not going to stand by and let your honor be tarnished, Saber!” The woman replied with a hint of indignation to her voice. “As my Servant-”

“Look, lady, I don’t know if you got the memo, but the whole “USSR First Lady” look went out of style in 1991,” Berserker cut in. “And I was having a lovely conversation with your Servant about safe sex. It’s a very important topic, and I’ll thank you not to interrupt us.”

_Berserker, what are you doing!?_ Kariya all but screamed through their mental connection. _You’re antagonizing everyone!_

_That’s not true!_ Berserker argued as he continued his staring contest with Saber’s Master. He paced around her, their gazes never breaking from one another. _I was complimenting Rider earlier._

_That’s not the point! Everyone will be after your head if you keep this up-_ At this point, Kariya began to cough and wheeze, his words sputtering out like they were his last. _-and I don’t have the time for that!_

_ Trust me, Master, it’s all part of the plan. _

_ What plan?! _

_This one._ “Oh, and by the way,” Berserker continued, his grin returning in earnest, “Thanks for pointing out your Master for me, Saber.” He moved his arms almost unnaturally, contorting one to point towards the rooftops and one towards Saber’s Master. “I almost wasted an extra bullet there!”

The scene flew into chaos the instant the bullets left their chambers.

Saber tackled her Master to the ground, leaving the bullet barreling towards one poor, unsuspecting Waver Velvet. Waver was saved a quick and painless death by Rider slicing the bullet in half, sending each side skipping across the water behind the battle as if they were pebbles. For the time being, Saber’s Master and Waver were both safe.

Berserker’s other bullet, however, seemed to warrant a bit more success. While the trained assassins Emiya and Maiya managed to dodge the shot, the two scurrying into the distance, Kayneth quickly found himself doubled over in pain. He could feel a metallic object lodged...somewhere, he couldn’t really tell. Honestly, everything seemed really dizzy all of a sudden.

_That probably isn’t a good thing,_ he thought, right before passing out.

Lancer felt a full-body shiver slither up his spine, and he knew at that moment that his duel with Saber would have to wait. “Master, I’m coming!” he cried, leaping up towards the rooftops and out of sight.

Berserker holstered his guns. “And that’s a no-scope. GG, no re.”

_...is that even Japanese?_ Kariya asked incredulously.

_ Hardly. It barely qualifies as English. _

“You would use us as a distraction to assassinate Lancer’s Master?” Saber asked, pulling her Master up to her feet.

“Look, if I at least got someone bleeding out tonight from something other than my teeth in their neck, I call it a win,” Berserker admitted.

Saber spared a withering stare at Berserker before turning to her Master.  “Are you alright, Irisviel?” Saber whispered, hoping that Berserker wouldn’t hear her.

“Y-yes, I’m fine.” Saber frowned; Irisviel was clearly rattled, but she continued. “Don’t worry about me. Focus on Berserker!”

“Your Master’s right, you know.” Berserker’s eyes widened, his breath becoming ragged. His coat began to shift and move, flowing like a living creature rather than a piece of cloth. “This whole shindig is just starting to get fun. Let’s duke it out, Saber! You, me, and all the mayhem in the-” He stopped mid-sentence. Pulling his coat sleeve back a bit, he glanced at a watch. “...oh fuck, it’s that late already?!” He scowled, lowering his sleeve. “Actually, forget that.”

“...what?!” Saber roared, her cry echoing through the night air. “Are you so cowardly that you’d shoot and retreat?!”

“Look, if this were a Tuesday or a Thursday, I’d be all about tearing you limb from limb,” Alucard replied, turning his back to the knight. “But it's Wednesday, and I’ve got about ten minutes to get halfway across town before I miss the start of the Buu Saga. I have priorities here."

Waver poked his head up from within the chariot, echoing Saber’s inquiry: “What?!”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Alucard peered over his shoulder. “Do none of you cultural illiterates even bother turning on a TV? Does Dragon Ball really not ring a bell? You’re in Japan, for fuck’s sake! This shit is everywhere! I can’t turn a corner without seeing Krillin’s big bald head trying to advertise a KFC.” He sighed, shrugging as dramatically as he could. “I mean, really, am I the only one who actually takes our situation seriously?”

“And there goes the last of my patience,” Saber growled. She lunged towards Berserker, swinging her blade with all the force of a hurricane-

-and crashed blade-first into the ground as Berserker vanished with a cheery “Ta-ta!”

The dock was silent.

Then, Rider spoke:   
  
“Waver, why did you never tell me about this "Dragon Ball?" If it’s enough to catch Berserker’s attention, we must hurry back at once!”

Off in his little hiding spot, Emiya suddenly got the sinking feeling that this idiocy was going to get worse before it got better.


	3. Crazy Protestant Bastards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Grail War gets a bit more Holy as Berserker and Kariya make an uninvited house call.

 

Risei Kotomine was no stranger to...well, the strange.

As a priest of the Church, it was in his line of business to be aware of the supernatural and all that came alongside it. This included the Holy Grail War, now in its fourth incarnation. It still amazed him just as much today as it did when he was a young twenty-something to see Heroes from all across mythology and history coming together to do battle. All the same, it became something he was quite used to, on top of things like monsters, rogue mages, and…

“...vampires,” he muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “It’s always the vampires.”

“Indeed. I thought you said that the Matou had summoned a Berserker,” Tokiomi Tohsaka bitterly spat.

“So I did.”

“Alright, then. Why does a Berserker have Independent Action, Risei?”

“I don’t know, Tokiomi.”

Tokiomi took a deep breath.

Risei closed his eyes, muttering softly, “Three, two, one…”

“How in the hell,” Tokiomi snarled, slamming his hand on the wall (or, at least, what remained of it) “Did it get into my goddamn house?!”

Risei opened his eyes again, surveying the scene once more. The great hall that once housed guests of unimaginable power and stature-and a rather nice rug-was in tatters, filled with bullet holes. Sharp, pointed weapons dotted the ground, water leaking from the pipes beneath the floor.

This was not how he expected to spend a Thursday.

* * *

TWELVE HOURS EARLIER

* * *

 

“What were you thinking, Berserker?!” Kariya snapped, the worms in his hand (in his everywhere, really) zipping around at mach five under his skin. His voice echoed through the halls of the Matou manor, and it would be divine intervention alone that would prevent Zouken from hearing this rage. This level of stress wasn’t good for Kariya, and he damn well knew it, but it was there all the same.

Berserker munched on a handful of popcorn, his words muffled slightly by the buttery concoction. “Well,” he began, placing the popcorn on the ground, “I really think that Babidi could have still used Spopovich and Yammu far more than he ended up doing. I mean, if Frieza could get at least an arc’s work out of Dodoria of all people-”

“I’m talking about the harbor, you idiot!” Kariya kicked the recliner that Berserker was sitting on, inadvertently opening up the footrest in the process. Berserker’s popcorn went flying, scattering all over the television set in front of the two. “You put a target on both of our backs!”

“First, rude.” Inky tendrils sprung from Berserker, collecting the popcorn and shoving it back into the bag as he spoke. “Have to invoke the five-second rule cause of that, thank you very much. Second, no one even knows you were there!”

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that someone had to be driving that boat while you were playing Titanic on the bow.” Kariya sat down on a nearby chair, letting his head slump into his hands. “I don’t even know how we managed to get out of there.”

“Cloak of Shadows,” Berserker replied. “I have a tendency to hide my toys for later use, so I suppose that became an ability when I turned into…” He waved his hand in a dismissive fashion. “...whatever this is. Can’t really say I’m much of a Heroic Spirit, frankly. More of a Dashing Rogue, or a Sexy Beast.”

Kariya leveled a glare at his Servant. “Your point being?”

Berserker sighed. “Lemme break it down for you nice and simple, Master: I cloaked. The harbor. In shadows. That’s why I told you to wait for everyone to leave before shipping off; shadows don’t do much good if people can hear a goddamn engine.”

“It’s a miracle we made it back without being spotted.” Kariya winced in pain, clutching his hand as it ached in agony. “But my point still stands. Everyone knows to watch out for you.”

“Not everyone.” Berserker stood up from his chair, placing his collected popcorn on a nightstand next to the recliner. “After all, the only Servants at the Harbor were Saber, Lancer, and Rider. We’ve still got Assassin, Archer, and Caster on the board, all blissfully unaware of what’s to come.”

“What’re you saying, then?” Kariya crossed his arms, ignoring the feeling of the worms shifting with the movement. “It’s not like we know who they are, or who their Masters are.”

“...are you sure about that?” Berserker asked flatly. “I mean. Are you really sure about that?”

Kariya scowled. “I suppose you’re referring to Tohsaka.”

“No, I’m clearly referring to Barney the Dinosaur, the clear and most present danger of this entire War.”

Kariya blinked. “...I have no idea who that is.”

“Consider yourself blessed.” Berserker said, with no discernable hint of irony. “In any case, yes, I do mean the Tohsaka. I had a little peek into your dreams the other night, Master, and...how do I put this delicately…” Berserker clasped his hands together. “You’re real thirsty.”

“...I guess I’m a little parched?”

“Oh, right. Almost forgot, I was in the dark ages. Let me try that again: You really want to...how would it be said in Japanese...NHK? I think it’s NHK. You want to NHK Tokiomi Tohsaka with his wife.”

Kariya raised an eyebrow. “...that’s a TV station.”

“Alright, look. You really want to fuck Tohsaka’s wife.”

“What?” Kariya looked offended. “How dare you-”

“Look, I ain’t faultin’ you,” Berserker shrugged, “And it’s not like the whole “her daughter is kind of getting fucked up by evil magic worms” thing isn’t a part of it, but let’s be real here. If I said you had a thing for her, that would be the understatement of both the 20th and the 21st centuries.” He opened his palms out again, gesturing to Kariya. “Here’s the thing. That’s kind of creepy. And by kind of, I mean extremely.”

“This is about more than just making her love me-”

“Fuck you.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Oh, that wasn’t a statement, that was a correction. You know, because you want her to-”

“That’s it, I’m done here.” Kariya moved to leave the room, but Berserker held up a hand.

“I’m not done. All I’m saying is that you’re going to want to learn this now, before shit gets out of hand. You don’t want to go full yandere. If she ain’t that into you, that won’t change no matter what happens.”

“And why, exactly, am I getting a lecture in tempering myself and my expectations from a Berserker?” Kariya growled. He didn’t join this war for Aoi! He joined it for Sakura, to save her from her dismal fate.

...didn’t he?

No, he did.

Sure, maybe Aoi would be appreciative. Who wouldn’t, after discovering their husband sent one of their daughters to be drowned in a pit of worms for the rest of her life.

Maybe he had hoped slightly, just a tiny little bit, that she might...reciprocate the good he’d do by winning this War.

...but was that so bad?

“Yes, it is,” Berserker interrupted. “That’s probably the worst thing you could do. Like, holy shit, this is sounding more and more like a free-form 4chan post. Thank god that’s not here yet.” He used a tendril to grab another bite of popcorn. “You really need to work on protecting your thoughts, Master. Get some MacAfee or something in that dome of yours.”

“Enough!” Kariya could feel himself burning up, his rage reaching a boiling point. “What the hell does any of this have to do with our next steps?”

Berserker grinned. “Well, I was going to say that so long as you’re not expecting anything undue towards you when we do so that we could take a little trip.”

Kariya paused, putting a hand to his face. “...what, to the Tohsaka house? Do you want us to get slaughtered by his Servant?”

“Not at all! I just happened to see it the other day while I was going about my business, all nice and innocent-”

“You were spying on them.”

“I was spying on them,” Berserker acknowledged. “As it turns out, Mr. I-Think-String-Ties-Are-In-Style-This-Century is going to be out of his home for the next twenty-four hours as he takes a pleasure trip with his wife for their anniversary to Tokyo. He’s sent his other kid off to some day camp or something. Probably wants his privacy, if you get what I’m-”

“He’s leaving in the middle of the Holy Grail War?” Kariya’s jaw dropped to the floor. “Is he insane?”

“No, he’s confident. In himself, in his Servant, and in his magical defense systems. And confidence leads to arrogance. Arrogance leads to assumption. Assumption leads to a single unlocked door with absolutely no defenses whatsoever right on his balcony.”

Kariya pondered this. If what Berserker was saying was true...“And his Servant?”

“He’s out and about. Rarely seems to be in the house unless asked to be by Tohsaka. Seems like he and I share the Independent Action trait.”

“Is that what they call it,” Kariya mumbled. “What do you propose, then? Destroy his sources of magic and find out if he has any plans or the like lying around?”

This time, Berserker stared at Kariya. “...I mean, I was gonna suggest taking a shit on his bed, but that’s probably the more prudent approach.”

A silence fell between the two. Berserker put on his hat.

“...so, we gonna fuck his place up or what?”

* * *

NINE HOURS AGO

* * *

 

“...it seems someone took the bait,” Kotomine Kirei droned, watching the Tohsaka household through a pair of binoculars in the distance.

“How many?” his Servant asked. “I hope it’s the whole lot of ‘em. That’d be somethin’.”

“Just two. I don’t see any kind of blade, nor a vehicle, so it’s either Caster or Berserker.”

“Can ye tell what they’re wearin’ with those tiny specs’o your’s?”

“More clearly than you might think. One is far more inconspicuous, likely the Master. A jacket with a hood, slacks. The other is in bright red, and appears to have two pistols.”

“...”

“Hm, and a bright red hat, it seems.” Kirei lowered his binoculars. “For now, Assassin, we will wait. It will do us no good to accidentally set off the alarms, as that will only send them scurrying away before we can catch them. We will take our marks at the balcony, and-” Kirei paused.

Assassin was gone.

“...hm.” Kirei took no heed. He would stick to his plan, and Assassin…

Well, he was good at his job. Perhaps it would make for an entertaining show.

 

* * *

 

“No, I’m serious, you could totally make bank by making it first.” Berserker argued as he and Kariya trawled the halls of the Tohsaka household.

“I don’t see the appeal of a story where everything is miserable.” Kariya trained his flashlight straight down the hall, shifting it slightly as he searched for a staircase.

“It’s more than just that! There’s action, drama, suspense-you’ve already got the white hair, and if you iron out those worm wrinkles, you could pass for 16, 17 maybe. Besides, can’t you make like...swords come out of your hands too?”

“...” Kariya stopped, glancing in confusion at Berserker. “...how the hell would I do that?”

“I dunno. With the worms?”

“What, like, forming them into a blade and jutting them out of my hand? That’s impossible!”

Berserker lowered his sunglasses. “I mean, have you tried?”

“...no?”

“Then you can’t say it’s impossible.”

“Look-”

The sound of blade scraping against tile cut off whatever Kariya had planned to say. He took a quick step back behind Berserker, aiming his flashlight forward. A figure stood at the end of the hall, dragging down two blades across the floor. Sparks flew as pieces of tile popped up from the sheer force of the swords. “Is that Tohsaka’s Servant?” Kariya asked.

“Not his,” Berserker replied. “Hey, buddy!” He shouted, causing the figure to stop in its tracks. “You got insurance on those knives? I don’t think All State covers “trying to look like a badass and failing miserably,” but you could try to-”

“And Shepherds we shall be For Thee my Lord, for Thee,” the figure spoke, a thick and distinctly European brogue echoing through the halls. Berserker audibly gasped, his eyes widening for the briefest of moments. Then, his usual manic smile returned in force.

“Oh, **_yes._** ”

“Power hath descended forth from Thy hand.” The figure continued his march, its speed growing as it approached the two.

“Berserker, we should move, now!” Kariya commanded, turning to run.

“We’re not going anywhere, Master,” Berserker replied.

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee!” The man’s voice rose in pitch and fervor as he drew closer and closer. A grey, almost silver coat fluttered as he ran, a bright blue shirt underneath and a cross dangling from his neck. A shock of blonde hair came into focus as the man approached the two, a pair of spectacles glinting off of the flashlight’s beam.

His grin was almost as crazed as Berserker's.

“Why would we run when things’re just starting to get interesting?!” Berserker cried out, his voice filled with childlike glee.

“And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti!” The enemy lunged forward, lifting his blades from the ground and striking at Berserker with a swift blow to the neck. Berserker’s body crumpled to the ground, his head flying off to the side. Kariya fell to the ground in shock and terror, stumbling back as the grey-coated man flung Berserker’s blood off of his blades.

“You...you killed him…” Kariya’s mind was racing, filled with panic and terror.

This was it.

He was going to die.

Sakura was going to suffer.

Aoi was…

“Pipe down, ya git,” the bespectacled man muttered, glancing off to where Berserker’s head had flown. “Yer not headed to the Lord just yet.”

“But-but you just-”

“Cut his bloody head off? Aye.” He grinned. “But that was just step one. I ain’t even gonna bother with two through ten.”

“...what?!”

At this, an audible giggle came from Berserker’s head, all the way down on the first floor. “Well, would you look at that! Someone’s learning!” Blood, once splattered on the railing of the hallway, flew back into Berserker’s body as it stood up straight. His head itself returned quickly after, a sickening crunch coming from Berserker’s neck bones as they began to reattach themselves. Berserker’s closed eyes opened with a start. “God damn it, it’s been so long since that’s happened I forgot how much it stings.”

Kariya grumbled, “I’m sure it does,” as more worms swam through his own neck.

“I ain’t here for more than a minute before you start takin’ the Lord’s name in vain. Shame.” The other man shrugged. “I figured a permanent death might’ve put you even the teensiest bit closer to the light.” He paused. “...ah, who am I fuckin’ kidding. You’re too much of a bloody heathen for that.”

“Bitch, you know it.” Berserker smirked. “So, what brings you here, you old Bible-thumper? Tryin’ to bring back good-old-fashioned colonialism by spreading the glory of God to the mysterious East?” He asked jovially.

“Frankly, I was doin’ just fine up above, helpin’ out with the Lord’s work right close to him. Figured I’d been brought here to take care of somethin’ or another in this War.” The man crossed his blades, the sound of their scraping sending shivers into Kariya’s very being. “Didn’t expect we’d be back for round...what is it at this point?”

“Twelve?”

“Sounds ‘bout right.”

Kariya looked between the two. “...you two...actually know each other?!”

“Yup,” Berserker confirmed. “Still spouting out the good book of Dafoe and co., eh? You know, that flick isn’t even out yet. What’s your wish for the Grail, old chum-tickets to the premiere?”

At this, a gust of wind erupted from the priest as he struck again at Berserker. While his hat was sent flying from the force of the attack, Berserker’s guns-drawn faster than Kariya could see-blocked the blades. “You got that right, you blood-suckin’ monster,” the priest replied. “Front row, three off from the center.”

Berserker chuckled, a fire in his eyes. “It’s been far too long, Alexander Anderson.”

“Ain’t that the truth…” Anderson’s eyes narrowed. “This time, I’m puttin’ you in the ground myself, Alucard.”

Kariya stepped back, as the shadows around Berserker-no, Alucard, he supposed-began to blur and distort. “Really?” his Servant asked in a distorted, unholy voice.

“Let’s see you try.”


	4. Nobody Expects the Fuyuki Inquisition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His weapons are surprise. Surprise, and fear. Surprise, fear, and a cell phone.

“...I see,” Tokiomi mused. “So it was your intention to let the enemy into my home, Kirei? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to cause a rift in our wonderful relationship.” His eyes steeled. “I’d like to hear an explanation.”

“Of course,” Kirei replied with nary a hint of emotion. “After the commotion at the harbor, it was clear that Berserker and his Master value opportunity above all else. If they see a chance to wreak havoc to throttle another’s chances, they will take it. As such, my intention was to lure them into the manor, where Assassin and I would take point and strike them down with none the wiser.”

“Ay, he did,” Anderson replied, materializing behind Tokiomi. The Tohsaka heir had to resist jumping out of his skin; the damned Servant had done this to him at least five times since his summoning, and it was getting infuriating. “I’ll take the blame for that one, sir. Once I heard what the damned creature looked like, I had to see for meself.”

“I see.” Tokiomi turned to face the man, attempting his best to appear undaunted at his stature.

Attempting, at least.

“And you did not think to alert me of any of this?”

Anderson shrugged. “Well, we wouldn’t want to get in the way of you and the missus’ special night, if’n y’know what I mean.” Tokiomi flushed, but did not deign to answer. “Besides,” Anderson continued, “I fully expected to have him taken care of. He was with a milquetoast Master who clearly didn’t know how to control him. Bugger me for expecting his Master to use that to his advantage.” He glanced at the damage. “Y’know, it could’ve been a lot worse. Least the blasted heathen’s blood mops itself up.”

Tokiomi growled. “Explain.”

“What, the blood?”

“ **_The fight._ ** ”

“Ah, aye. Well, it _started_ off pretty well.”

 

* * *

 

“Alucard?!” Kariya screamed, dodging the knives that were hurtling in his (well, every) direction. “You’re the son of Dracula?!”

“No, I am Dracula,” Alucard replied, using his shadows to deflect-and at times, redirect-the knives. “It’s my own name spelled backwards.”

“I thought you had a son!”

“Do I look like King Arthur to you?”

“What does that have to do with-” Kariya yelped, narrowly ducking under another blade. He scrambled backwards, thanking whatever God existed in this world that his reflexes were sharp enough to react as needed, even through the pain of the worms wriggling throughout his body. “Nevermind, talk later, win now.”

“I can multitask,” Alucard replied, casually batting away blades like they were wayward tennis balls. “Y’see, it’s a common misconception thanks to popular culture that I have a son, as due to the nature of my-”

“ ** _Win now,_ ** ” Kariya emphasized, feeling the sheer force of the latest knife Anderson had hurled past him. “How do we beat this guy?”

“Besides ripping his heart out?”

“You can do that?! Why aren’t you doing that?!”

“The blades, for one. Discounting the thousand he’s already expended,” Alucard continued, scanning the room, “He’s probably got this place booby-trapped straight to Hell and back-”

Kariya felt the tug of a wire against his leg.

Then, he felt a sharp stabbing pain in that same spot, far worse than any worm could be.

“Jesus Christ!” He screamed, the swear coming out instinctively. Throughout his time with Zouken, he’d taken to screaming out his frustrations in any language he could think of-it was one of the only ways to dull the agonizing pain.

At this particular exclamation, however, the clatter of knives slowed, and then finally stopped.

“...Lad,” Anderson asked, his glasses illuminated by the moonlight filtering through a nearby window. “What was that?”

“W-what?” Kariya stumbled, his vision blurring. He could almost see a sinister, glowing aura around the Servant as he strode forward. “I-I was just-”

“Did you just take the Lord’s name in vain?” Anderson’s breathing grew ragged, his words coming out as a growl. “In front of his fuckin’ Servant? How daft could ye possibly be?” He raised his two larger blades, crossing them. “You know, I was gonna kill ye just because it was m’job, but now, I really want to cut you up.”

“Anderson, I thought we were exclusive!” Two shadows wrapped themselves around the blades, pulling them out of Anderson’s grip slamming them sharp end-first into the nearest wall. Alucard let loose a toothy grin. “You and I are going to have to talk about your commitment issues.”

“Oh, trust me,” Anderson began, grabbing his lodged blades. With as much force as he could muster, he slid them through the wall, leaving streaks and chunks of plaster flying as he swung at Alucard. “You’re my number one target!”

Ducking under the strike, which left Anderson’s blades again with an intimate relationship with the wall, Alucard slid back towards Kariya. “Master, what’s the pl-” It was then that he saw the knife jammed into his Master’s leg. “...shit. I thought you just saw a mouse or something.”

“Stop joking, Berserker!” Kariya snapped.

“Oooh, you’re using the Class name. You MUST be pissed-” Catching the furious look in Kariya’s eyes, Alucard cut himself off. “You know, I had a plan in mind, but if you wanna just get out of here-”

“No…” Kariya wheezed, trying to ignore the worms attempting to break free through the hole the knife had created. “We need to incapacitate him-otherwise, he’ll just keep following us!”

“The lad’s right, y’know!” Anderson’s swords shone bright in the moonlight as he raised them above the duo. “But ye won’t be gettin’ the ch-”

A loud ringing sound burst out from Alucard’s coat, freezing Anderson in place.

Alucard groaned, shoving a hand in his coat. “Hold on, I have to take this.”

“Take what?” Kariya asked, his head continuing to spin.

“The phone call, duh. Remember the plan I mentioned? It’s related.”

“...how the blood-soaked Protestant Hell did you get one of those here?” Anderson asked, lowering his blades in involuntary shock.

Alucard proceeded to pull out a medium-sized, curved-but-somehow-blocky phone. “Hey, it’s the 90s, not the 60s. Everyone’s got a Nokia.” He glanced down at the tiny screen, humming to himself, “Ring, ring, ring, ring, banana phone…” He pressed the answer button, holding it up to his ear. “Yello?”

Kariya suddenly felt the urge to force himself into unconsciousness, if only to make the crazy stop.

“Uhuh,” Alucard continued. “Yeah-no, I said the big, gaudy-looking house. Yeah, I know there’s a lot of gaudy ones, but I mean **_the_ ** gaudy one. I told you, you’ll know it when you-wait, I think I see you.” He turned his head towards the foyer, raising one of his guns in his other hand. “You see me?” He cupped the phone’s speaker, for a moment, turning to Anderson. “Why can’t they see me?”

Anderson growled.

Kariya whimpered.

Alucard scoffed. “You’re both no help.” Bringing the phone back to his ear, Alucard continued his conversation. “Look, just wait about ten seconds, and just do it. Well, if it’s the wrong house, then that’s your fault!” He paused, holding the phone away from his ear as a very angry voice screeched through the other line. “You do realize that I can just shoot one of you from my distance with pinpoint accuracy? You really wanna end up like Kazuto? “There’s no way in hell you can,” blah blah, blah.” Raising his gun, Alucard fired a shot to his left.

As the bullet pierced the window, a series of ricochet noises clanged through the open night sky, culminating in one last crashing of glass, soon followed by a car alarm. Alucard lowered the gun. “Ok, so you saw that, right?! ...oh! Oh, good. Yeah, that’s the place. So, I guess you can get started now. Ok. Yeah, you can put it on the card I gave you. That’s M-A-T-O-U. Okay. Thank you kindly!” Alucard hung up the phone, pocketing it again. He knelt down, picking Kariya up and slumping him over his shoulders.

“...and just who would that be?” Anderson asked warily, his blades ready to strike.

“Oh, that’s just the yakuza.”

“The what?!” Kariya screamed.

Anderson wheeled around, forming a shield with his blades. “Oh, for the love of-”

That’s when the hail of bullets began.

* * *

 

“So, after I got done wipin’ the floor with those yakuza heathens-oxymoron, really-the damned vampire and his Master were gone. And, well…” He gestured to the hall. “This.”

Tokiomi stared at Anderson, his voice measured (or at least, as measured as barely-disguised fury could be). “...tell me then, Assassin. If all this was occuring, in my household...where was my Servant?”

“Fuck if I know where Archer was,” Anderson shrugged. “I even called him m’self, and all I got was a single butter knife from his little armory. Maybe he was dealin’ with a problem of his own?”

“Our problems **_are_ ** his problems,” Tokiomi snarled. “Risei, I’d like you to leave us. I’m going to have a conversation with Archer.”

“How are you certain he is even here?” Risei asked, arms crossed. “After all, with Independent Action, he could be anywhere.”

“All I have to do is check if my wine cellar is emptied,” Tokiomi said.

“...that may not be the best barometer here,” Anderson admitted.

Tokiomi returned his gaze to the Assassin. “And why is that?”

* * *

 

 

“So Kazuto said, “Please, I have so much to live for!” And I said,” Alucard continued, pouring another cup of wine for Kariya, “If that’s the case, why the Hell are you dying?”

Kariya laughed uproariously, unsure if he was laughing because the story was legitimately funny or if the blood loss and wine had finally gotten to him. “And all you told them was to go to the gaudy house?”

“I thought it was obvious!” Alucard exclaimed. “But apparently this town has its fair share of rich dumbasses. Turns out every house is the gaudy house! But, hey, it all worked out in the end.”

Kariya allowed himself a small smile at that. He glanced down at his bandaged leg, trying to keep it from shaking, as he took another sip of wine. “So, we survived that. What’s next?”

“Well, let’s see.” Alucard held up his hand, counting on his fingers. “We’ve put the fear of God into Saber, Lancer, and Rider; we fought the Servant of God at the Tohsaka house...who’s that leave us with? God himself?” Alucard grinned. “Please tell me we get to fight God. I’ve got a bone to pick with that bastard.”

Kariya shook his head. “As if there would be a god in this War, let alone one with a capital G. We’ve got Caster and Archer left. Come to think of it, I’m surprised we didn’t see Archer at the Tohsaka’s.” He took a sip of wine, glancing briefly at a cup placed in front of him. “Alucard, you can pour your own wine.”

Alucard raised a full glass. “Already did. Sure that’s not yours?”

Kariya looked to his half-full glass, and then to the new one. There was a hand gripping the glass, and following that hand upward led to…

“What are you waiting for, mongrels?” Archer asked, tilting his glass back and forth between the other two. “Pour the King his share.”


	5. Kings and Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archer has a chat with Kariya and Alucard. Wishes are discussed, and plans are set.

This was either the best or worst day of Kariya’s life.

On the one hand, he and his Servant had just done...whatever the magical equivalent of pantsing someone was to Tokiomi Tohsaka. That felt rather cathartic, to say the least. 

On the other…

“So then I told him, “Give me a hug!” And the moron actually thought I was going to hug him! That made the next thirty seconds of screaming and agony far more worth it than I would have anticipated.”

Archer laughed, swirling his glass of wine so much that Kariya almost thought he was creating a miniature whirlpool. “A story well told, Berserker. I must say, I didn’t expect anyone in this forsaken time to understand the value of a good tale. I should know,” he added, taking a sip of his drink.

“If you liked that, wait till I tell you what happened in Brazil-” Alucard paused, Kariya’s stare finally grabbing his attention. “Oh, right.” He cleared his throat, his voice dipping into a tone of sheer obligation and dullness. “Servant Archer of the Holy Grail War, what brings you to the home of the Matou clan, yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Kariya grimaced, coughing into his hand as Archer’s attention finally snapped to him. Suppressing another, he faced Archer. “Look. While I appreciate that you haven’t murdered us so far, there’s only so much I can do to conceal your presence before my grandfather notices-”

“Yes, the Matou patriarch...disgusting thing, that. I can sense a bit of his handiwork in you-not that it’s not obvious from all the wriggling.” Archer’s face scrunched somewhat. “But, continue.”

“-and we nearly got slaughtered by a psychotic priest not too long ago,” Kariya continued. “So, frankly, I need to know: are you here as an ally or an enemy?”

“Neither. I’m here as an interested party.” Archer’s eyes flickered to his wine, watching the ripples as he swished it back and forth. “I certainly hope you’re not attempting to order me, Master of Matou.”

“I wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that,” Kariya admitted. “Especially not towards the King of Heroes.”

Archer let out a satisfied chuckle. “While I am not surprised you know my identity, I am curious as to how you confirmed it.”

Kariya sighed, slumping into a free chair. “Frankly, beyond Lancer and Assassin-I can’t speak to Caster-this seems to be a contest of kings. And aside from that, Berserker did some reconnaissance before our outing to Tohsaka’s. It seems your Master in this war really loves to hear himself talk about his luck in snagging Gilgamesh of Uruk.”

Alucard snorted. “Something tells me he’d act the same way if he wound up with a top-tier toy from a gacha machine. “Oh, look at me, I just so happened to get the shiny toy!”” He grinned towards Gilgamesh. “By the by, since we’re doing names, just call me Alucard. Or Al. Or King of the-”

“Mongrels.” Gilgamesh’s piercing gaze shot through the both of them. “Do not presume to claim kingship in front of me. I will let this discretion be, as you’ve provided me with entertainment, but do not test my mercy.”

“...I was just gonna say vampires,” Alucard shrugged. “Don’t see you bitin’ necks and killing movie franchises, so I just figured-you know what, it’s fine. Don’t even care.” 

Kariya crossed his arms.  “Pardon our insolence, I suppose. Going back to the point, you say you’re here because you’re interested in us?”

“No. I’m here because I’m interested in what you will turn this war into.” Gilgamesh leaned back in his chair, placing his glass down on a nearby nightstand. “This world bores me, incredibly and irrefutably. Its people, its society and structures, its pitiful struggles…they are beyond the definition of weak.” He let out a dramatic sigh. “Even this War is little more than a nuisance. I have no need for a treasure I must compete for-after all, each and every treasure in this world is mine. Why should I fight for it when I already know its rightful place?”

“Shits and giggles?” Alucard offered. Kariya bit his lip, hoping to whatever God there was that Alucard didn’t just kill them both.

To Kariya’s surprise, Gilgamesh merely rolled his eyes. “As you can see, I deign to let this farce continue simply because there is a small pleasure involved in it. In any other War, it would be a mere series of duels and assassinations until one remains standing atop the rest. However, my interest has been piqued by your machinations.”

“...that’s not the word I’d use, but sure,” Kariya muttered. “I suppose our strategy is a little different from the norm.”

“Look, all we’re doing is thinking outside of the box,” Alucard argued. “And then blowing the box up with everyone inside.”

“You’re not entirely wrong.” Kariya wringed his hands together. “Anything it takes, after all.”

“...I will not bother to ask for your reasons for entering the War,” Gilgamesh mused, “But I do wonder-should you lay hands on my treasure, what wish would you have for it?”

Kariya blinked. A wish? He’d almost forgotten what the Holy Grail itself could do, in all the pandemonium. Frankly, the thought hadn’t much crossed his mind-his goal was Sakura’s safety, and for all the cruelty Zouken inflicted on him and her alike, he didn’t entirely take the decrepit creature to be one to break his word.

_...file that one away under “things I’ll regret thinking.” _

“I’m a dying man, your highness,” Kariya admitted. “The worms keeping me alive only do so much-by the end of this War, I’ll likely be dust in the wind. If I did have a wish, it would likely be to keep my loved ones safe.”

Gilgamesh snorted. “Your desires are simple, Master of Matou, but at least you have them. I can’t say the same for Tokiomi’s lapdog.” Alucard was oddly silent as Kariya spoke, his hair covering his eyes. A frown briefly crossed his features before becoming a grin once more as Gilgamesh turned to him. “And what of you, vampire?”

“The instant I get that thing,” Alucard replied, “I’m making 100% sure that the Star Wars prequels never come to be.”

Kariya raised an eyebrow. “Prequels? They’re making more of those?” 

“Not for long, they’re not. This timeline will never suffer like I have suffered.” He shuddered. “Midichlorians. Ugh.”

“...I won’t even pretend to fully understand you, mongrel, but I will applaud your...conviction, I suppose.” Gilgamesh stood from his seat. “I trust it has been an honor to host me, but I have other obligations.”

“To Tokiomi?” Kariya asked.

“No. I have my own business to attend to.” Turning away from the duo, Gilgamesh began to dematerialize. “I hope you continue to entertain me until the very end of this War. If you do not...well. A king must put his foot down when needed.” 

And with that, he vanished.

“...so, just to be clear,” Alucard asked, “I’m not the only one who found him hot, right?”

Kariya groaned. “Not the time. We still have strategy to figure out.”

“Look, I’m just saying, he can king me **anytime** he wants.”

**_“Alucard.”_ **

“Fine, fine.” Alucard stretched his arms. “How about we get some sleep first? It seems like you’re a little cranky.”

Kariya scratched his neck, trying to push down one of the worms that got stuck there during the conversation. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead. So, probably tomorrow.”

“...was that a joke?” Alucard bared his teeth in a full-on bark of a laugh. “Knew you had it in you somewhere, Master!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kariya put a hand to his chin. “So, it’s clear we can’t touch Gilgamesh, lest we risk instant death. Anderson is likely on the prowl for us, so we can’t go near the Tohsaka manor for a while-” He held up that same hand towards Alucard not a moment later. “And no, we’re not going to antagonize him. That didn’t work out great last time. We need to plan far in ahead for any conflict with him.”

Alucard grumbled, but otherwise didn’t argue.

“That leaves us with Saber, Lancer, Rider, and Caster. We don’t know where any of them are, and we can almost guarantee that any of the former three will attempt to slaughter us on sight.”

“I dunno. The redhead seemed keen on us.”

“You already rejected his offer to join him, so he’d probably try to fight us anyway-he would at least give us some kind of heads-up.”

Alucard nodded. “Fair enough. So, that leaves us with good old Caster. Shame to say I couldn’t dig up much on him specifically, but…”

Kariya knew this was going to go somewhere bad. “But?”

“I may have...stumbled upon a crime scene.”

“...what?”

“Okay, multiple crime scenes. With lots of bodies.”

“...”

Alucard held up his hands. “To my credit, I didn’t cause any of those. But I was able to do a little detective work-eat your heart out, Cumberbatch-and spot a little bit of a trail heading into the town sewers. Two plus two equals Caster.” He stood up from his chair, hands in his coat pockets. “So, what do you say, Master?”

Kariya closed his eyes for a moment. 

He pondered the situation.

Then-

“Let’s go hunt ourselves a wizard, Alucard.”

Alucard let out a gleeful noise. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”


	6. We're Off To Kill The Wizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard has a lovely conversation about horror movies and fashion, while Caster has a surprise guest.

Ryuunosuke was having a hell of a week.

He didn’t quite know how, but he somehow managed to summon what was quite possibly the best friend he never knew he wanted. Someone he could talk with, philosophize with, murder with-it was the best of every world imaginable. Bluebeard, bluntly, was the shit.

The magician knew that the best slaughter was the kind with...theatrics. Give the victim hope, a chance to escape-and then bring the guillotine down. It was like having your own personal Michael Myers. “Oooh,” Ryuunosuke mused aloud, as he strolled towards the underground lair he now considered a second home. “I should show _Halloween_ to Bluebeard.” He grinned, already planning a…”trip” to a local video rental store. “Maybe have a marathon-it might give him some fun ideas.”

“You do realize that everything after the third one went downhill?” A voice asked behind him. Ryuunosuke froze.

“...who said that?”

“Look, you’re just lucky you live in a time before _The Curse of Michael Myers_ ,” the voice continued. “Then again, you don’t quite seem to be a man of taste.”

Ryuunosuke wheeled around, drawing a knife from his jacket. The space behind him was empty, the sound of dripping water echoing through the sewer tunnels. “What the hell are you talking about?” Ryuunosuke asked, eyes scanning the area.

“What, you mean about Halloween or that discount pimp look you got goin’ on?”

Ryuunosuke began to walk backwards, looking around him as the sewer’s dim lighting grew darker. Almost unnaturally so.

_ Shit. _

The voice chuckled, the sound of footsteps clacking along the sewer floor. “I mean, seriously, you look like you should be selling crack on a street corner. Hell, you look like you buy crack on a street corner.”

Ryuunosuke looked to his left. A tunnel stretched down further into the sewers, straight towards the hideaway. Bluebeard. He needed to get to Bluebeard. Ryuunosuke knew that with one flip of a page, the wizard could utterly destroy whoever the hell this was. The boy began to giggle, a quiet, almost nasally sound. This was gonna be too easy.

Ryuunosuke stopped, placing his arms behind his back. “You seem to have quite the low opinion of me, whoever you are.”

“Oh, where are my manners!” From the shadows stepped a tall man cloaked in red, his eyes glittering with a killer’s light. “Hi there. I’m Berserker. And I actually have a very high opinion of you, thank you very much.”

“Really?” Ryuunosuke smiled innocently. “And why’s that?”

“It takes a real go-getter to look at yourself in the mirror every day and go ‘Wow, having hair the color of a traffic cone was a great idea!’”

Ryuunosuke laughed, almost doubling over in laughter. “You’re a funny guy! I like that.”

“Finally, someone who understands my innate comedic talents!” Berserker exclaimed. “How’s about you and me get a couple of beers, shoot you in the face, and hit a karaoke joint?”

Ryuunosuke’s laughter came to a stop. “...what was that second one?”

“Shoot you in the face,” the man repeated. “Of course…” He pulled out a pair of guns. “We could skip the beers, if you like.”

_ Exit, stage left. _

Ryuunosuke turned around, booking it straight down the tunnel-

And straight into an outstretched fist.

As Ryuunosuke fell unconscious, he had one thought on his mind:

_ Wait, so they’re making another Halloween? _

With a thud, he was out.

Kariya breathed a sigh of relief. “I cannot believe that worked.”

Alucard chuckled, lifting the orange-haired boy off the ground. “The kid’s a rank amatuer. Thought he could just run off to Caster, I bet. Shame he didn’t try to stab me with that little rinky-dink thing,” he sighed, kicking Ryuunosuke’s knife down the hall. “Had so many lines planned for that. ‘Knife to meet you.’ ‘Nice stab at it.’ ‘Well, wasn’t that a cutting remark.’”

Kariya closed his eyes. “Alucard.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

The vampire shrugged. “Everyone’s a critic. So, onto phase two?”

“...I thought the only phase was isolating the Master and disposing of him.”

“Oh, no, we are absolutely doing that last part,” Alucard clarified. “I’ve got a wood chipper waiting for us above ground at this exact spot.” Kariya let out an audible groan. “What? It’s a classic method.”

“And no one will notice the giant wood chipper?”

“Cloak of Shadows.”

“Or the noise?”

“Cloak of Shadows.”

“...”

“Just assume every answer I have will probably involve the words ‘Cloak,’ ‘Of,’ and ‘Shadows,’ Master.”

Kariya put a hand to his forehead, shaking his head. “Just make it quick.”

“Fine, fine.” Alucard walked towards a nearby ladder, beginning to climb. “But after that, Caster’s still gonna be around for a little longer, and he’s gonna be a teensy bit pissed that we killed his Master. So, phase two is getting the hell out of here, timing things juuuuuust right.”

“Timing? What're you-" Kariya stopped. "Wait. How pissed are we talking?”

“Well, knowing my luck, we have a sliding scale of 1-Godzilla.”

Kariya grumbled. “Can’t be a bit more specific?”

“I don’t know the guy! Maybe he’ll think we’re doing him a favor,” Alucard called down. As he pushed the lid off a manhole cover, he continued. “Point being, we need something to keep him at bay once we turn ol’ Giggly here into mulch.”

“And just what’s that gonna be?”

Alucard tossed the unconscious serial killer unceremoniously out of the sewers, pulling himself out alongside the boy. “Don’t you worry about that.”

“That’s absolutely a sign to worry.”

“Let’s just say that Caster’s due to confess his sins.”

“...” Kariya snapped his head down the tunnel, a look of horror forming on his face. “Oh, Jesus Christ.”

“Apt choice of words.” Alucard poked his head back down into the manhole. “You coming up or what?”

 

* * *

 

Caster was worried.

It wasn’t something he was used to feeling, outside of wondering where his dear, precious Jeanne was-but that was the norm.

No, he was actually worried for someone else. 

Ryuunosuke had been gone for far too long. He was a punctual young boy, rarely late but always early when it came to their targets. He’d gone out to take care of a small family in the inner city, back in time for them to scrounge up some food. Caster, meanwhile, was trying to get a proper lead on where Jeanne had gone off to-she seemed to be on one of those infernal machines, zipping through town too fast for him to easily track. 

That was no matter-he’d have her eventually, after all this time.

But Ryuunosuke…

“This is a distressing development,” he muttered. While he refrained from using his crystal ball to check on Ryuunosuke (he respected the boy’s privacy enough, as his Master), drastic times called for drastic measures. He took out the ball, holding it up into the air.

There was a loud thunk, and a crack.

Then, the ball shattered, a sharp blade clattering to the ground as Caster let go of the shards in surprise.

“Who would dare-”

“Oy.” Caster looked ahead, spotting a figure illuminated by the small rays of moonlight that filtered into his lair. “I take it ye’re Caster?”

Caster reached into his cloak, fishing for his spellbook. “Who are you? What have you done with my Master?”

The figure shrugged. “Hell if I know where the bloody git’s at. I just heard you were down here. One heathen at a time, I s’ppose.” 

“Heathen?!” Caster snarled. “I am a man of God, the true God! The God that knows that the acts I do are just, and in the service of that which is divine!”

“...and I thought the Protestants had their heads up their arses.” The figure drew a set of blades, placing them between his fingers. “S’tell me, what did you plan to do with all the children and women you slaughtered? Pray for forgiveness?”

“Why would I need forgiveness for doing the work of the holy? Of the divine?” Caster declared.

Suddenly, the stranger’s voice came from behind Caster. “Who said you were gettin’ it?”

“What-”

That was when the pain started. It wasn’t just his own skin tearing, blood spurting from where the blade, now lodged deep in his chest, had pierced his heart. He could feel a different kind of pain, one that made him feel like he was being ripped apart at the seams. But why would-

* * *

"You know, Master, you could watch," Alucard shouted above Ryuunosuke's screams.

"No thanks, Alucard."

"Aw, come on! It's not that grues-" A sickening crunch echoed through the air, followed by an earsplitting scream. "...ok, nevermind, rated M for Mature. But you could at least talk while we wait for this to be over!"

"I can barely hear you as is over the wood chipper!"

"What?"

"I said, I can barely hear you-"

"What's that, I can't hear you over the wood chipper!"

**_"For fuck's sake-"_ **

* * *

 

Caster could feel tears well up in his eyes. “...my Master...no…”

“Yer Master ain’t here, cretin,” Anderson whispered. “But don’t you worry.” Another blade struck Caster in the back, meeting its brother in an instant. Caster fell to his knees, the prana leaving him as he began to shuffle off the mortal coil. “I’m sure you’ll be seein’ ‘im soon enough.”

“No...Jeanne-”

"Tell Satan that God told him to fuck off when you see him." A final blade sunk into his head, and Caster thought no more.

All was silent, save for the crackling of the walkie-talkie receiver strapped to Anderson’s belt. “Assassin, come in. Is the mission complete?” Kirei asked, his voice garbled but still barely understandable.

Anderson tapped a button on the side of the walkie-talkie. “Yeah, yeah. The damned wizard is meetin’ the Lord as we speak.”

“Good work, Assassin. Did you face any trouble?”

“Nah, not really. Didn’t give the damn heathen a chance to even look at his little diary. It’s strange, though,” Anderson admitted, “He did seem kind of distracted when I got him. Even with my Phantasm, he should have at least put up more of a…”

He paused.

“...ah, fuck me.”

“What?”

Anderson grumbled. “We’ve been played.”

“What?” 

“He said something about his Master when I finished him off.” Anderson withdrew his blades from the disappearing corpse of Caster, shaking off the remaining blood as it faded into oblivion. “Somethin’ tells me this was a two-pronged operation, and we didn’t even know it.”

“Was it Lancer, perhaps?” Kirei asked. “It’s possible that if he came into contact with Caster’s Master, his Noble Phantasm-”

“Master.”

“Yes?”

“Remind me who sent in the tip about the strange magic man in the middle of the sewers again?”

“Well, it came from a priest of the Church named Trevor Belmo…”

Kirei fell silent.

“...it was the vampire, wasn’t it?”

“It was abso-fucking-lutely the vampire,” Anderson replied. “Played us like a fiddle.”

Kirei sighed. “I suppose we can thank him for doing half the work for us.”

“Not quite-we did half the work for him.” Anderson sheathed his blades. “Well, that makes one down so far. I’m feelin’ just the teensiest bit ripped off here.” His glasses shined in the moonlight.

“I’m a little bit on the peckish side right now. What’s say we have ourselves another meal?”

“Who did you have in mind? Berserker?”

“Oh no, we’re savin’ him for last. Frankly…” Anderson turned towards the door, strolling along his merry way. “I’m in the mood for somethin’ Greek today.”


	7. Dinner and a Showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard and Kariya celebrate their "victory" over Caster and Ryuunosuke, but there's still some bad air to clear.

Going out to celebrate a successful “hunt” was first on Alucard’s to-do list following their...disposal of Caster and his Master. Kariya didn’t quite understand why Alucard called their work “the Fargo method,” but he was fine with just having a nice night out after all the fighting and panic he’d experienced in the span of 72 hours. 

There was just one problem.

“When you said we should walk in and act like we own the place,” Kariya muttered, “I didn’t think you meant it literally.”

Alucard tilted his shades down slightly. “Look, it’s fine. A little hypnosis never hurt...most people. Besides, it’s not like telling the bartender to go play superhero’s gonna be much of a problem.”

* * *

**_“I AM ULTRAMAN!”_ **

**“SIR, PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE.”**

**_“HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DISTURB THE PEACE, YOU HIDEOUS KAIJU!”_ **

**“I’M GIVING YOU TO THE COUNT OF THREE-”**

* * *

Alucard took another swig of his wine, and proceeded to shovel more food into his mouth. “Everyone getting the hell out is just a bonus. Gotta fake it till you make it in this world. Not hungry, Master?” Alucard asked in-between bites. “Seriously, you have to try the gyoza at least.”

“We just turned a man into mulch, Alucard.” Kariya poked at his rice with his chopsticks. “You’ll forgive me if I’m not especially peckish.”

“Welp, more for me.” Alucard stabbed another piece of gyoza with his own chopsticks, proceeding to do the same to a piece of beef, a few pieces of chicken, and a clove of garlic. 

Kariya raised an eyebrow.

“What?” Alucard brought the chopstick up to his mouth, eating the food off of it like it were a shish-kabob. “Oh, shit, is this like...rude here? Totally sorry,” he added, with another chomp.

“Honestly, I’d be surprised if you ate like a normal person,” Kariya admitted. “I thought you couldn’t eat garlic, though?”

“Oh, that old bullshit?” Alucard finished off his serving and quickly dove in for another. “Long story short, ol’ Bram Stoker just hated my garlic breath.”

“You actually met him?”

“Well, met is a strong word.” Alucard paused. “So is ‘terrified.’” He snapped his fingers. “Traumatized. I traumatized him, that’s what it was.”

Kariya rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Alucard chuckled. “Still growing into that sense of humor, I see.”

“I’ve had one long before my life turned into…” Kariya closed his eyes. “God, what can I even compare this whole mess to?”

“I’ve got a list of examples under my hat if you-”

“Rhetorical question.”

“..."

Kariya sighed. “You want to take out the list anyway.”

“Damn skippy!” Alucard slid his hat off, taking a piece of folded paper out from the inner band. “Let’s see here…” He unfolded the paper, clearing his throat. “‘Things the Holy Grail War reminds me of’…aw.” He frowned. “Half of these jokes rely on things that don’t even exist yet, and the other half is just the words ‘dick-measuring contest’ in extra-large text. Never come up with jokes at 3 AM, Master; it’ll turn out like a Picasso painting in written form.” 

“...how, exactly-”

“Beautiful but incomprehensible,” Alucard clarified. “Kind of like your devotion to your not-so-ex gal pal.”

Kariya groaned, grimacing as his worms chose now to go wild under his skin. “Really? You’re on this again?”

“Oh, don’t act like you’re surprised.” Alucard put a hand on his chin, raising an eyebrow as he stared at Kariya. “Seriously, what do you see in her?”

“...do you really want to hear the answer to that question?” Kariya asked.

Alucard grinned. “Not particularly.”

“Then why do you care?”

“Listen, if we’re gonna be trying to take out Doucheprick McGee,” Alucard argued, “I’m gonna need to know that you’re not going to let your boner for his wife get in the way of actually doing what you need to do.”

“It’s not just-” Kariya let out a hacking cough, Alucard quickly yanking the food plates away from his Master. A few worms fell onto the table, wriggling and writhing. “Oh,” he groaned, “I hate these goddamned things.”

“First of all, ew.” Alucard grabbed a table napkin and squished the worms within it, tossing it into a nearby garbage can. “Second, maybe they can sense when you’re letting your big worm do the talking.”

“It’s not just about that, dammit!” Kariya glowered at Alucard, seething. “Sakura is in danger right now, going through a daily hell with my Grandfather looming over her like some kind of demented god! And Aoi…” He could feel his eye twitch, harder than it ever had up to that point. “Tohsaka will hurt her. Even if it’s not directly, even if he’s good and kind and everything he says he is...if he let Sakura fall into this abyss, then-”

“Master.” Alucard took off his sunglasses, pocketing them. He took his hat off his head, placing it down on the table. “Let’s say that you’re right. That whether by choice or by idiocy, Tohsaka has let and will let others get hurt. Let’s say you win this War. What then?”

The worms in Kariya’s body, always moving and always active, suddenly came to a stop.

“...what?”

Alucard’s tone was flat, with a hint of an interrogative edge. “What then? What the hell do you think is going to happen?”

“...she’ll...they’ll both understand,” Kariya insisted. “Whether he lives or dies, they’ll find out just how awful Tohsaka was. Grandfather will let Sakura go, and she, Aoi, and Rin...they can be together again. We can be together again...for as long as I can stay alive, anyway.”

Alucard’s eyes narrowed, his fangs beginning to show as he grit his teeth. “I didn’t think my Master would be this delusional. You’re making me miss my old one even more than I would have thought.” Before Kariya could even say another word, Alucard asked, “Why would she want to ever see you again after finding out the truth?”

“...I…”

“Let’s say she does find out her kid was tossed into a pit full of rape worms. Her first thought when she finds out what went down-assuming your Grandfather even plays ball, which...let’s be real, you cannot be stupid enough to think he will,” Alucard continued, rapping his fingers on the table. “Her first thought isn’t going to be  _ ‘Oh, thank you Kariya for saving my daughter and myself from this evil, evil man.’ _ It’s gonna be  _ ‘This complete asshole had every opportunity to save her himself, and he waited years until he could turn into a magical boy and kill my husband. Then he got my daughter out, long after she’d been traumatized, and now he has the  _ **_audacity_ ** _ to want to see me on a regular basis.’ _ ” 

Kariya couldn’t breathe. It was as though his throat had collapsed in on itself, his heart beating faster than he’d ever felt it go. “You-how  **_dare_ ** you-”

Alucard let out a low, sinister chuckle. “And this isn’t even getting into the fact that you ended up joining a murder party for history nerds to accomplish all of this. Hey, that should go on the list-”

A roar escaped Kariya’s lips. He clawed at Alucard’s collar, dragging him in close. “Do you think I would have chosen this life for myself if I had any other choice!?”

“You had every other choice, Kariya Matou!” Alucard snapped. “You could have chosen to find someone powerful enough to take down your Grandfather, or helped find a way for Sakura to escape with the aid of any one of the literally thousands of mages in Japan alone! But no. You chose to let her suffer while you learned how to turn yourself into a dying husk of a man.”

“How the hell would you know anything about that?!” Kariya tightened his grip, shaking in anger. “The only way to stop this evil...was to become a monster.”

Alucard let out a hoarse laugh. “Well, isn’t that fucking precious. Someone’s read his Nietzsche. What, did you and Anderson have a book club meeting while I was watching TV?”

“Why do you even care?!” Kariya slammed his free hand onto the wall behind the two. “You answered the call of the Grail, you’ve been doing whatever the hell you damn well please-what does it matter what happens to me once all’s said and done?”

Alucard, for once, seemed to fall silent. Then, he spoke plainly. “Tell me, Master. You lied to Gilgamesh, didn’t you?”

“...”

Alucard’s eyes fell into an expression Kariya had not seen on him before: pity. “Your wish is not to protect the ones you love. It’s to be their savior. Isn’t it?”

Kariya felt his hand grow limp. He let go of Alucard, slumping in his seat.

“How did you know I was even lying?”

Alucard reached for his chopsticks again. “1. Psychic-ish link. Hard not to tell. 2. You weren’t the only liar in that room.” 

“...what?”

“I can tell what you’re feeling, Master, even if you don’t realize it. And, as much as it loathes me to admit it, we’re a lot more alike than I would have thought.” Alucard picked up a piece of shrimp from one of his plates, twirling it. “We each have ones that, on the outside, it seems we care for. On some level, we may well actually do so. However, they’re less our loved ones and more... _ our _ loved ones.  _ Our  _ possessions. I’ve had quite a few servants I’ve been fond of in my lifetime. A few enemies, too. But they were  _ my  _ servants.  _ My  _ enemies. It felt like they belonged to me.” He took a bite of the shrimp, then passed the plate over to Kariya. “I take it you see what I’m getting at.”

Kariya blinked, slowly. “...I thought I loved them.”

“Like I said, you may. But your wish isn’t for them to be saved. It’s for you to be their hero. You want to be Superman, swooping in to save Lois Lane and little Jimmy Olsen.”

“I’ve never read Superman.”

“You get the point,” Alucard grumbled. “You wanted the power to protect for the sake of the end result, rather than any kind of selfless desire alone. Own that. Recognize that. You want to be a fucking hero? Start by saving yourself, and work your way up from there. Heck, maybe you’ll even figure out a way to not turn into literal worm food by the end of it.”

Kariya felt the worms begin to stir again at their very mention. “But...I still need to save Sakura. I still will have to fight Tohsaka, whether Aoi wants it or not.”

“Then I guess you’re going to have to actually look around and see what avenues lie ahead. It’s a great big world out there, Master.” Alucard picked his hat up, letting it fall onto Kariya’s head. 

It was a little big on him, but Kariya couldn’t help but feel kind of cool in it.

“If you don’t see a road,” Alucard concluded, “Just break shit till one’s made. It’s how I got around.”

Kariya closed his eyes. “...I gotta say, the last thing I expected when I went to kill a serial killer and a wizard was a therapy session.”

Alucard shrugged. “Eh, it had to happen sooner or later. Better now than the next time we’re on the business end of some magic bullshit.”

“What is your wish, anyway? To save your...'possessions?'"

“Psh, of course not.” Alucard shook his head. “I ain’t no boy scout.”

“...but you said you were lying to Gilgamesh.” Opening his eyes, Kariya tilted Alucard’s hat up slightly. “What  _ is  _ your wish, then?”

Alucard stretched his arms, letting out a yawn. “You’ll just have to psychoanalyze me and find that out, won’t you?”

Kariya, involuntarily, let out a laugh. Then, another. “You’re-” Kariya wheezed between laughter, “-an asshole.”

Alucard joined in on the laughter. “Bitch, you just found that out?”

For a brief, shining moment, Kariya thought things may turn out okay.

That was when the restaurant’s door came hurtling at them.

Alucard reacted first, grabbing his Master by the hoodie. He leapt over the door as it flattened out on its way towards them. The door hit the wall with a sickening crunch, splintering all over the table and knocking the food on it to the ground. “Sorry,” he called out, “Little Timmy’s having his birthday party right now! This is a private venue, thank you very much!” He held up a hand. “Of course, I think Chuck. E. Cheese just expanded internationally. Maybe you can grab yourself a slice and try not to have nightmares about pizza-chomping rodents for the rest of your life!”

“My  _ God _ .” A shadowy figure walked through the door, just barely out of the restaurant’s dim lighting. “I’d heard you were incessantly talkative, but I at least hoped you would have something interesting to say.” Tohsaka Tokiomi snapped his fingers, his face illuminated with a roaring flame at his side. “But, you won’t be saying much more for much longer.”

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Kariya muttered as Alucard let him go.

“You know what they say, Master.” Alucard dusted himself off, reaching into his coat with his free hand. He placed his shades back on his face. “Speak of the devil-”

“And he’ll show up in a cheap designer suit,” Kariya finished.

“ **_Now_ ** you’re getting it.”


	8. The One Where Shit Gets Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Gilgamesh and Alucard have a brawl, Kariya and Tokiomi have a friendly, productive conversation.

“I must say,” Tokiomi drawled, “You never do anything in halves. The harbor, my house, Caster and his Master, this restaurant...you two certainly enjoy making a spectacle of yourselves.”

“Really?” Alucard asked, eyebrow raised. “I found it rather subtle myself. Don’t you agree, Master?”

“Totally unnoticeable.” Kariya tilted Alucard’s hat up slightly, raising an eyebrow in return. “Cloak of Shadows not strong enough for a damned bar?”

Alucard shrugged. “Hey, hiding a wood chipper takes a lot out of a guy.”

Tokiomi cleared his throat. “As much as I enjoy witty banter, I’m afraid that introductions are in order. I-”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Alucard agreed, “After all, it’d be pretty rude to call you DILF the entire time we’re fighting.”

“...what…” Tohsaka blinked. “What on Earth is a-”

“You’re better off not asking,” Kariya muttered. 

“Now, answer me these questions three!” Alucard declared. “What is your name?”

Tokiomi scowled. “...I am Tohsaka Tokiomi, the Master of Archer in the Fourth Holy Grail War. I hereby challenge the Master of Berserker to a duel-”

“What is your quest?”

Tokiomi paused. “...is it not obvious?” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “To seek the Holy Grail.”

“...oh, you make this far too easy,” Alucard muttered, giggling under his breath. “Lastly-what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

“...what in God’s name are you even talking about?”

Alucard crossed his arms. “Well, if we’re being honest, I’m just stalling.”

The sound of suddenly flowing blood burst through the through the room. Gilgamesh, clad in his glorious golden garb, frowned at the sight in front of him. A quintet of strange, winged creatures, large mandibles jutting out from their jaws and three red eyes, fell to the ground. A strange distortion wavered in the air…

...along with a very sharp-looking sword.

“Holy-when the hell did you get those?!” Alucard exclaimed at a haggard Kariya, who was clutching his arm in pain. “What are those?! Why didn’t you use those sooner?!”

“Do you not see the pain he is in, vampire? It should be obvious why.” Gilgamesh stepped in front of his Master. “I am quite curious, Master of Berserker,” Gilgamesh added. “You seemed-well, you are quite frail. It’s astonishing you’re still alive to begin with. Those hideous things-inside and out-must take a toll on you. Why bother gaining them to begin with?”

Kariya let out a sickening cough. “Frankly,” he replied, “I’m starting to question a lot of my life decisions up to this point.”

“Hm. Well, fear not. Soon,” Gilgamesh replied, the sword taking aim at Kariya, “You will no longer have a need to question anything.” Another distortion appeared, a second sword slowly flying out. “And as for you, vampire...as pleasant as our drink was-”

“Your what?!” Tokiomi exclaimed. “Is that where you took my wine?!”

“-creatures like you do not belong in this world,” Gilgamesh finished. “In my kingdom.”

“It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh,” Alucard replied. “I was brought here by-”

“Enough.” The sword burst forward, slicing through Alucard’s neck. Kariya ducked under his own attacker, narrowly dodging the blade with a swift sidestep. Tokiomi quickly set upon him, lashing out with what seemed like a whip of flame coming from his hands. The flames just barely singed Alucard’s hat as Kariya struck back with a kick to Tokiomi’s chest with his right leg (the only one that he could rely on, frankly). As the other man stumbled back, Kariya bit back a cry of pain, his leg feeling like it’d hit solid iron.

“Fucking hell...Reinforcement, huh?”

“You can never be too careful in wartime,” Tokiomi replied, dusting off his shirt. “Now, I went through the trouble of introducing myself, so you could at least tell me the name of who I’m about to kill.”

“...you’re serious,” Kariya asked. “You...don’t know who I am.”

“I’m aware you are the Matou entrant in this war,” Tokiomi explained, “But your exact name is not something I’ve had much time to check. I’ve had a few...shifting priorities as of late.”

A large blade came flying past the two, lodging itself into the wall.

A certain vampire was attached to it.

“Are you talking about the time we fucked up your house?” Alucard asked, as if he didn’t have a giant glaive shoved in his chest. “Cause really, that was 10% us, 10% the Scotsman, and 80% a bunch of random yakuza who I totally didn’t have anything to do with-hold that thought.” He slid sideways off the blade, dashing off in another direction as two more weapons chased him down.

“...quite the oddity, isn’t he?” Tokiomi marveled. “I suppose a clan such as the Matou couldn’t afford to be picky.”

“...you really don’t know who I am,” Kariya repeated, ignoring the other man's words and slowly walking forward. As he closed in, Kariya could see a small, red gem lodged in Tokiomi’s hand. “You know, it’s not unreasonable. We’ve only really met face-to-face once before.” Kariya stopped a few feet away from Tokiomi, looking him straight in the eyes. The Tohsaka head shivered as he looked back into Kariya’s blank, lifeless left eye, contrasted heavily with the utter rage that seemed to come from its alternate. 

It seemed...familiar, in a sense.

“You know,” Kariya continued, “At Aoi’s wedding.”

“...what? You...know my wife?” Tokiomi asked, a baffled tone betrayed in his words. “How do you-”

Kariya clenched his fist. “Don’t tell me she’s never mentioned her childhood friends to you before. Don’t tell me Rin, or…” He took a raspy breath. “...or  **_Sakura_ ** never mentioned Uncle Kariya?”

Tokiomi’s eyes went wide. As he racked his brain to try to put name and face together, Tokiomi did vaguely recall seeing a man at his wedding with a similar stature, a similar raggedy jacket-

And the same piercing eyes.

A raging inferno burst from Tokiomi’s hand, quickly forming itself into a the shape of a scythe. “I see. I should have known that the Matou had a Magus hidden in the wings.”

“To be fair,” Kariya dryly replied, “I’ve had to take the crash course. Not the biggest fan of this shit.”

“And yet, here you are.” Tokiomi raised the scythe, its embers flickering, ever so close to Kariya’s face. The sounds of battle raged throughout the restaurant, tables shattering into splinters and swords whizzing by as Alucard and Gilgamesh duked it out. For Kariya, all of that felt like white noise, the only true sound in the room coming from Tokiomi’s lips. “Why fight in this war, Magus of Matou?” Tokiomi gestured at Kariya’s slumped left arm, and his distorted facial features. “It’s clear you’ve had to make sacrifices to even compete. What purpose could you have to turn yourself into this...thing?”

“...that’s a damn good question,” Kariya admitted. “Funny thing-we were just talking about that.”

A pair of flying objects-one gold, one red-flew through the now open-air door, the sound of a car alarm echoing through the night sky.. “Are you gonna tell him about how you wanted to fuck his wife?” Alucard’s voice rang out from the distance.

The flames from Tokiomi’s scythe seemed to flare for a brief moment. “For your sake, he had better be joking. I only offer this brief reprieve because of your relationship to my wife.” He drew the scythe closer. “Explain now and die later, or stay quiet and die now.”

“That’s the thing…” Kariya put a hand to his head, running it through his hair. “He...isn’t too far off.” Before Tokiomi could swing his burning blade, he continued, “Aoi was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was kind, honest, loving...but she only knew me for the sake of outside plans-my father’s. I left before anything could really begin, to throw him off in any way I could, and save her. When I found out she was in love with you, I was...happy. I was glad she found someone who cared for her, and who she cared for in turn.”

Kariya’s left arm, unbeknownst to either man, twitched.

“You had everything I ever wanted, Tohsaka.” Kariya’s voice hitched in his throat, his knees beginning to shake. “Aoi’s love, and two wonderful daughters. I was happy just to have them all in my life...to have them all,” he repeated, quietly. “...but you sent one of them to my father.”

“Yes, I did.” Tohsaka frowned. “I was under the impression that none of Zouken Matou’s progeny had any magical talent. Sakura understood. It was a way to strengthen the ties between our families, and allow Sakura to hone her craft-”

“You gave her up to a monster!”

Again, Kariya’s arm twitched, the movement hidden just under his hoodie.

“You may not be fond of your father,” Tokiomi argued, “But that doesn’t make him-”

Kariya let out a loud, hacking cough. A few small worms fell from his mouth. Tokiomi let out a sound of disgust, backing slightly away at the sight. Kariya leaned down and scooped up the worms, clutching them in his fist. “The instant she came to our home, my father hurled her into a pit full of these damned things!”

Tokiomi paled. “What?”

“Your daughter, who you have an obligation to keep safe, as her father, was turned into a test subject for mine! And for what,” Kariya asked, “A chance to ‘mend ties’ between families? Making her a powerful magus!? Bullshit! All you did was send your daughter straight to a literal hell!”

“I-I didn’t...you’re lying.” Tokiomi shook with rage, his words wavering with emotion. “Don’t you dare lie to me about my daughter!” He swung his flaming scythe, aiming straight for Kariya’s head.

This time, both Kariya and Tokiomi saw Kariya’s left arm reach out, his fingers snapping across Tokiomi’s forearm like a vice.

“How-” Tokiomi let out a grunt of pain as Kariya’s fingers tightened their grip. “That arm-it was useless!”

Kariya stared at his arm, dropping the worms in his other hand. He pulled the hoodie and his sleeve back, recoiling at the sight that lay before him. His skin was literally crawling with crest worms, zipping back and forth from his hand to his arm. Kariya watched Tokiomi’s face contort in disgust. “You think this is horrifying, Tohsaka?! Your daughter has had to deal with them every day for years on end, because of you!”

Tokiomi pulled hard on his arm, attempting to break free of Kariya’s grasp. “Just because you’re not strong enough to handle this does not mean my daughter-”

**_“This isn’t about me!”_** Kariya roared. As if on cue, his arm pulled back slightly.

Tokiomi suddenly felt weightless.

Then, gravity returned to him with a sickening crunch. He could feel his ribcage shake from a massive impact, and he could see his reflection in the restaurant’s tacky tile flooring. A scorch mark remained where his scythe had been extinguished.

“This isn’t about me…” Kariya breathed. “It’s never been about me. It’s been about the people you’ve hurt with your actions. It’s about the horrors my father has wrought on an innocent little girl.” Weakly, he raised his left arm, which appeared to wobble as the weight of the worms shifted back and forth. “I loved Aoi-I still do. I love Sakura. I love Rin. I care for each of them with all my heart. I’ve wanted nothing more than to kill you, to bring them all back together, to have a happy family...” His gaze turned back to Tokiomi. “But Aoi loves you. Rin loves you. And, above all odds, I’m sure that Sakura loves you as well. I can’t take that away from them.”

Tokiomi pushed himself up off of the floor. “Then why not give in now?” he asked through gritted teeth. “I know what’s best for them-for the whole of the Tohsaka family. You still have a chance to surrender.” 

Kariya closed his eyes. “That attitude is exactly why I have to stop you from winning this War. Why I have to get the Holy Grail-not for myself, but to make sure that those three have a happy life...their happy life, with or without me. I don’t know what’s best for them, and neither do you. Only they can decide that. The only thing I can do...”

Kariya’s wrist burst open, worms pouring out like floodwaters through an empty gate. They hung from his arm for a moment, swinging back and forth in an arc. Then, they slowed to a stop, the worms at the top of the pile forming a point. The majority began to recede into Kariya’s arm, with the remainder stiffening around his wrist. 

“...is make sure they have a world where they can make that determination on their own.” Kariya raised his “blade” across his face. “And while I’m not going to kill you, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight like hell to stop you if you get in my way. I’m going to save Sakura, bring her back to Aoi and Rin. From there...”

He lifted his hat with the tip of the blade, its glint reflecting the moonlight outside the door.

“Well. That’s for fate to see, isn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An alternate title for this chapter was "Oshiete, Oshiete Yo," but that felt a little on the nose.


End file.
